Between us, a love without question and…all I should want from this life.

Hope that you never forgive me. Forever deny me your smile
Cuz I met this woman in Denver and now she is carrying my child…

I’ve been thinking about this song (from Clem Snide’s Meat for Life album. 2.23.10 release). I’ve been twirling this song around like a glass of old aged scotch. Sipping on it.

Earlier, while driving home from the Altamont, I began to think about forgiveness. Patty Griffin’s song titled Forgiveness and how I used to sing along in agreement. And now? Hmmm.

It isn’t that I’m less forgiving or asking to be forgiven. However,  I’m beginning to ponder the situations for which I have asked for or given and have or have not received forgiveness. This includes asking and giving forgiveness to myself. I am considering—what acts am I willing or unwilling to forgive—and under what circumstances would I be less inclined to ask for it.

Odd thoughts, for sure. But, i’m willing to entertain them. You, dear reader, can move on or hang out. Your choice.

Do we all want forgiveness for some past/present sin against ourselves, nature, each other? Perhaps. If yes, what was gained or lost by receiving or being denied forgiveness? I’m developing my thoughts, so bear with me, please. What drives us to ask for forgiveness? What are we seeking—absolution? resolution? A return to normalcy which was disrupted by the act for which we are now asking (to give or to be given) forgiveness? I’m leaning towards the more selfish reason (the third option), the return to normalcy. This may be the leading reason people seek forgiveness and perhaps, also give forgiveness.

Ultimately, there may be occasions for which I would not seek (nor would I be able to give) forgiveness. There’s not a situation brewing, rest assured. Just wondering, philosophically, as I grow older, what does forgiveness mean to me.

A connected thought—folks say things about seeing another in heaven one day, almost wistfully, or talk about reincarnation. In the next life, I will or we will [insert thought or promise]. I’m beginning to feel that statements about seeing loved ones in heaven or promising an action in the next life is at best, a beautifully sentimental sidestep and at worst, a lame cop out. A statement that seemingly absolves the speaker (to others or themselves) of accountability and action (or lack of action, “missed” opportunities) in this life. I was thinking about this as I drove home.

Forgiveness. Regrets. Do-overs in next life. Second chances in heaven. To do. To say. Honestly, and this is brutally honest, I don’t have regrets. Yup, there are things I’d do differently, but I’m at peace. When I die, whenever that may be, what will be in my heart? What will be in the forefront? Not should haves, could haves, painful remorse. Most likely, thoughts will float in and out as they currently do. Most tied to landscapes—the freedom of a windy day, an image of big sky days, crashing waves, and towering mountains. Sheets of snow and the memory of sunkissed skin.

So, forgiveness. Being present in one’s own life now. Regrets. The possible connections between. Hmmm. More on this soon. In the meantime… what about you—thoughts?