Since mid-late November, I would say my life has been intense and overall crappy. Mildly depressing, in fact. I haven’t been in the mood to blog. I haven’t wanted to share most of my thoughts with cyberspace.
I wouldn’t say that life is getting any better/easier for me, but my positive attitude is returning. I gained a bit of valuable prospective…
Two days ago, I came home tired, feeling overwhelmed, and well, sad. An old friend of mine disappointed me in a way I can’t even begin to express. I know I’m being cryptic here, but I don’t feel like giving the situation too much space here. Couple the disappointment with the running ban, and well, you get the picture—I was feeling a bit hopeless, resigned—pretty much summing up my existence since mid-November.
I went into the bathroom to change clothes. I opened the cabinet above the toilet to pull out a pair of socks. No, I don’t usually stash socks in that cabinet, but that morning, I was in a rush to get them away from Sky Harbor (ah, how she loves to eat my socks). Out tumbled the socks, Q-tips, sunscreen, and lip balm. SPLASH! I just starred down at the items. Perfect. Just perfect. Perfect metaphor for my life right now…down the crapper.
I suddenly realized, the Q-tip box (the extra large box) was not in the toilet. It landed right-side up on the floor—not a single Q-tip had spilled into the toilet or onto the floor. This made me smile ear to ear. I love my Q-tips. I sorta freak out if I run out. I love to clean my ears–an undescribable sense of pleasure. Ummm. Mesmerizing. So, I snagged one, began cleaning my left ear (always the left first) while starring down at the items in the toilet. And I began to laugh…
Life is not in the crapper. Just a sock, some sunscreen I don’t like, and a tube of lip balm that’s nearly empty. Hmmm, okay, the sock’s a bummer, but there are other pairs to be found.
While life may seem really hard right now, this simple act of knocking items into the toilet brought my attention around—a useful metaphor. The sunscreen? The lip balm? Meh. I don’t really like that sunscreen–it makes my skin itch (men). The nearly gone lip balm- a symbol of my dwindling hope? The sunscreen and the lip balm were tossed into the waste bin. I have a brand new tube in the little bowl by the front door.
The single soggy sock is of no use to anyone. Hmmm. Good point.The Q-tip box— left unscathed, simply dropped on the floor (representing my ability to self-soothe and feel pleasure)— intact. Hahahaha.
Driving home yesterday afternoon from the bay, I looked over and saw the dusky sunlight filtering through the clouds, casting beams down upon the rolling lush green hills with their lone oaks. The beauty of it gave me serious pause. I pulled off to the side of the road, got out, ignoring the cars whizzing past. I just starred. It was beautiful. I thought about how sad I’ve been since November. I thought about recent events that were exhilarating but stressful, and ultimately—way too much drama for me. I sighed. I let go, stared at the streaming light, and allowed the landscape to soothe me.
I felt re-energized. I got back in the car, began bouncing my head to the music, letting the melody inspire me. I flew through traffic, singing, and starring at the CA landscape, guiding me home. I felt lighter, happier, and my thought s returned to the items in the toilet…
You’ve got your Q-tips, kid! Self-soothing and Emerson’s essay on Self-Reliance. No changing the events, for sure. I can change my attitude and how much I’ve been tearing myself apart for the last few months.
I continued to think about this as I snagged that new lip balm from my pocket, rubbed it on my lips and grinned at my reflection in the rear view mirror. Life’s not in the crapper. Lip smack. Yeah. Good stuff.
My apologies for odd behavoir and lack of posting the last few months. I’ll be back at it, even if it’s just about sunshine filtering through the clouds, romps at the park, and such.