It’s been one of those weekends… best intentions and the windows still are not back into their frames in the back room. Yes, that means the house is still wide open to the rest of Wildlands. And yes, the raccoon was back last night driving Siddhartha (and thus, me) crazy.
I stayed up super late Saturday night mixing paint and painting while a friend of mine kept me company via a long distance phone call. I love being told stories….she kept me entertained by telling me the entire plot of a Chinese movie (which sadly was not released here in the US). Now, i’m not inclined to watch movies, and so, her telling me the plot was more up my alley. And it was fun. Of course, we also spent an insane amount of time on the phone talking about other things.
One thought I’ve had in my head (in comparsion to the conversation) has lingered for the last 24 hours. If I loved you yesterday, I will love you today. And there’s a good chance I will always love you. I value your contributions to my daily life (here and wherever you may be) and those you have made throughout our history. I am honored to be your friend and look forward to our future interludes.
Having said that… I am not the girl from high school and college. There are parts and pieces that are still quite recognizable, but past indiscretions or flaws should be either forgiven or forgotten or resolved. I haven’t held onto all of her–she was and will always be a work in progress. You, dear reader, either applaud this or sit disappointed. I do not want to disappoint you or myself and to quote Emerson: “If you are noble, I will love you. If you are not, I will not harm you or myself with hypocritical intentions.”
I am but myself. I can only be and will only ever be myself…and yes, there are parts of you that I carry in me. These are all very good and beautiful things. I write this for you who struggle with who I have become. I can’t sit and wait another ten years for lives to start and rebegin. Maybe all of this sounds odd or misplaced or even harsh. That is not my intention. I just need to get it off my chest…
Again, if I loved you yesterday, I will love you today, and perceivable, I will love you tomorrow. Tomorrow will become a week, a year, a decade… and you will find my love still ever present. I will seek to contribute to your life and to actively care about your life, health, and happiness. Either that’s a gift or a disgrace… I can’t answer that for you.